Recently things have been extremely difficult for me, and a sequence of events that kicked off last night has just made things almost impossible.
It has been a really bumpy road, and I have learned things along the way, but never really felt PART of anything, and last nights events really verified what I knew already. It really hit home that I never did, and never would belong in that choir. It was all just bad timing though.
Firstly I will not apologise for that which was not my fault. I was well within my rights having asked who said what on that day that I was not there to defend myself. Speaking ill of someone behind their back is unnecessary cowardice, causing friction which is not needed in a team. It is also very immature. I simply do not feel in any position to cause myself unnecessary hurt and anxiety when people behave like this! It has also made things very difficult at home, and I don't see why such things should be affected by something that I loved, and saw as a future career. There are other places I could choose to sing, and to go through all of this in one night hardly seems worth it when I could just go elsewhere.
To add fuel to a fire that did not need to be started, I found that my father was ill when I returned from choir practice and the drama that had kicked off there. In the time scale of just half an hour he took a turn for the worst and went into a brief cardiac arrest. He had been ill for a few days, but put off seeing a doctor for a week or so as we had family visiting. It was also his birthday. He didn't need this, and frankly, Neither did I!
I was then woken up by my mother this morning to notify me that I have been kicked out of the youth choir, just like that, instantly, for confronting people who slandered me behind my back last night. (Another bombshell...) Straight before two T.V appearances that would be desirable to anyone's conservatoire application. I was already being denied an opportunity for not being well liked enough to avoid slander and scorn of others. I did not see how this was fair, and quite plainly, as I write this, I still don't!
"At least I give up music without wasting 10 years of my life studying for a career I will never be allowed the opportunity to fulfill....!" were the exact words I recall speaking down the phone that morning to an already vexed choir mistress. I am not denying that the way I spoke to her was over dramatic, rude, rather loud for the early morning, and perhaps this phone call should never have taken place. After all, the damage had already been done. This is not a whodunit film plot, and I was adding fuel to the inferno started last night. Regardless of what I had done or hadn't done, a decision had been made and finalized. No amount of talking to her was ever going to make things better. What happened is now in the past. Regardless of who did what to whom, I was already going to pay the penalty 50 times over, for a sequence of events that were not my fault and had escalated out of control.
I was originally aiming to use this blog to contact people, and to promote my singing. But give the circumstances and the shape things have taken, I don't see this as a viable option anymore.
I want to thank everyone who has supported me with my singing, and given me the confidence I needed which has helped to shape me into the person that I am today. I am grateful to everyone who has given me a chance, invited me to concerts, parties, services etc. Also to the people at Llangollen international Eisteddfod for letting me sing on that amazing stage in front of those cameras (I know I started off really nervous, but I enjoyed it, I really did, Diolch yn fawr iawn!) it is also an honour to even be selected to sing there. I know this is starting to look like a speech from the Oscars, but I also need to say thank you to the music Dept at my school for being patient in teaching me, showing me theory skills (which I will someday learn to master), and to my singing teacher, who has been so kind and patient, and despite my negative outlook at first and my protesting "Miss, I can't do that" has trained and trained my instrument to make it sound the way it does, and gave me a sense of self belief, good breathing, good phrasing, correct resonance, a good range, more flexibility, operatic runs, arias I didn't even know existed and never dreamed of singing, correct German pronunciation in songs I have learnt, correct Italian pronunciation in songs I have learnt, correct French in songs I have learnt, Performance skills, use of the cheekbones (smiling, oh yes), Correct open sounding vowel sounds, as well as many many other skills I will never forget, and hope to at least pass on to others even IF I can't utilise them in the future.
But, I would also like to say to all those people I have thanked, (and to everyone else too)
To all of you who have supported me, helped me, given me a chance, given me guidance, (Mum, Dad, you as well...) quite possibly the most important message of all
I'm really sorry I let you down...
I don't know what I need to look into as a career anymore, from the moment I chose my G.C.S.E options,I forced myself into a corner and took subjects that related to this career choice, which I never imagined I would need to rethink.I felt I knew where I was going, I had the wind in my hair and the world at my feet and I simply felt that I had the talent, the help, the skills and the potential to achieve these wild ambitions....
Maybe I can still see it as a hobby, Singing and music can be recreational rather than vocational. I don't want to turn my back on everything that has been given to me, let anyone else down or turn down any opportunities to perform when I am invited to, and I loved Llangollen, maybe I will come back someday!
I just feel that the road I have been travelling has for some time now has been getting increasingly more and more narrow with every step I have taken in this direction. I'd like to walk in the grassy verges for a while rather than reach a dead end.
I cannot emphasize enough that I make this decision with a very heavy heart. Lord knows that writing this is hard for me too. But I really hope that you will all understand why I have decided these things, and whilst it may be a lot to take in, or a lot to ask of someone to understand such a colossal change of heart in something I feel so strongly about, I sympathize, and hope that you will come to understand in the future. I am not turning my back on singing or on music. I just need a break to rethink things, to calm down, and recuperate. Quite plainly I have been tired! I have no supernatural powers that allow me to be untouchable, to feel no emotion, and to never need to sleep. This whole experience has been very draining for me as well as my family. I would like to say that I have learned a lot from being in the choir, that I have learnt from being part of a team, and learnt great leadership skills and improved my confidence. But whilst I may be many things, I am not a liar. I have merely learnt to understand at least one place I am not wanted, and have learnt that no matter how you try, if you are not wanted in a place, your efforts get you nowhere, you will simply be sabotaged, punished, and generally made to feel unwelcome. These are things that should never be associated with choral singing or with music. I also must labor the point across that I feel the way that I have been treated is incredibly unfair, and can only hope that the person who replaces me is not made to feel as I do right now.
I feel that I am for once in my life, making the right choice....
Sincerely,
C <3
